Dear Mom + Dad, it’s yr son from camp. I’d like to come home, could you pick me up (please)?
It’s been 5 days, but it feels like 20. Please don’t say, “But we spent the money.”
I’ll pay you back from my allowance when I get back, if you’ll allow it.
Please don’t make me stay the whole month, ‘cause I really don’t think I could stand so much.

I dunno who's worse, the kids or counslers. On the basketball courts, they’re bouncers.
Aim a baseball straight for your face; volleyball punch, it’s the spike you taste.
Forget about fencing and horseshoe chucking. Football and wrestling? You got me chuckling.
I don’t even hop the scotch with these kids! I don’t even skip the rocks with these kids!

And as far as the staff, forget about it. Graduated camp last year, I don’t doubt it.
All past injuries and personal insults dumped on us kids, hurtful results.
Now I know exactly how the French did being ruled by a king who was just a kid.
Mommy + Daddy, nobody’s more desperate than one under the thumb of a teenage despot.

And worst of all is our spiritual leader. Come from the sect of the touchy-feelers.
God complex beat the ER surgeon. Dude more fishy than a barrel of sturgeon!
I’m not even surea his denomination, but every last sermon’s about abominations
Like unwed kids having prom relations, tho he seems to be down with the bombing nations.

Please, I beg you, you gotta come get me! I’m in trouble with a capital “T” (tea) like Tetley.
If I don’t escape from “Camp Feelgood” soon, I'll drink my homemade Jimtown-Aid at high noon!
It gets worse by the second they started suspectin'. These simple subjects teach an object lesson.
I’m the odd man out and they’re getting even. I’m trapped in Purgatory and I best be leaving (believing) !

Mom, Dad, I need you now. Come pick me up. I’m coming home...

2. Evil Inside You (Double Dragon III, Egypt)

Evil. You are so evil, you!
Evil, you are so, you. Evil!
Evil’s inside you is evil!
Evil inside. You are evil!
You are so evil, you are so!

You have got some major evil issues that you’ve never talked about before...
(Oh my gosh, don’t even try and kid yourself about it...)
Oh my gosh. And if you think you’ll make it to your death without doing (some fucked up shit/something fucked up,) you’re wrong!
(Oh my gosh, don’t even try and kid yourself about it...)
You are petrified cause you know (I'm really right/how right I am)!
I am just like you in this existential fight, dude!
You are not prepared to face the fact --
(Everybody’s got some dirt to do...Everybody’s just like me and you and her and him and them and -- everybody!)
-- that deep inside of you resides another you you’ve never met and, god forbid, if you ever did you might do something later on you’d come to regret.
It’s not possible to know yourself until you've seen yourself in every situation possible.

3. Sebastian & Lulu (Marble Madness, Stage I)

Sebastian: Although we have lots of love for our owner, Caitlin...
Lulu: We sure do.
S: We gotta go. Don’t you know the whole world is waitin?
L: Yes it is.

(Dialogue)

S: Hey Lulu.
L: Yeah?
S: Ready to go?
L: What, like, now?
S: No, I mean later.
L: Oh. Yeah.
S: You packed already?
L: Yeah. I did it last night.
S: Oh, good.

Both: Let’s blow this joint! We’re outta here!

L: Although it’s nice every night to get food and water...
S: It sure is.
L: I’m feeling less like a pet, and more like her daughter.
S: Yeah, me too.

(Dialogue)

L: Hey, Sebastian.
S: Yeah?
L: Shy bring a hat?
S: What kind of hat?
L: Like, a sun hat.
S: What, like a sombrero?
L: Yeah, like a woven sun hat.
S: Sure, why not?

Both: Let’s blow this joint! We’re outta here! So much for our childhood years...

S: Although we don’t know the way that today is gonna end...
L: We sure don’t.
S: I know I’ll die like a man who is named Sebastian.
L: And Lulu!

(Dialogue)

S: Hey Lulu, d'jou get your shots yet?
L: Shots?!
S: Yeah!
L: What for?!
S: Typhod fever, malaria, rabies...
L: I didn’t know we hadda get shots!
S: Of course we do!
L: How my spose-ta get shots now?!

Both: Let’s blow this joint! We’re outta here!

L: Although it’s great to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d---

4. Goonies 'R' Good Enough, Dude (Goonies II, Theme)

They call themselves "The Goonies." The secret caves. The old lighthouse. The lost map. The treacherous traps. The hidden treasure. And Sloth... Join the adventure!

Now here we all areand hanging onto strains of both the greed and blues.
Break the chain and then we will all of us break down, but, ooh it is nothing if you don’t feel it.
Unspoken expectations (Unspoken expects)
Ideals you used to play with (Ideals you played with)
They’ve finally taken shape for us.

Good enough (good enough) for you is good enough (good enough) for me is good enough...
It’s good enough for me... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Now you will say thatyou’re starting to feel at one time the push and pull
Of what could be yet never ever really can you’re -- you’re merely stumble -- stumbling through those
Old fashioned superstitions (Old fashioned notions)
I find too hard to break with (It’s hard to break with)
Oh maybe you’re just out of your place

Good enough (good enough) for you is good enough (good enough) for me is good enough...
It’s good enough for me... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Cyndi Lauper never wrote another verse down for this awesome song.
So I went ahead and made my own up, just like Data; hope that you like it.
If not you’re always free to (If not, you’re free to)
Hit stop or next, you know, but (Hit stop or next but)
I’ll be real honest with you, bro:

Good enough (good enough) for you is good enough (good enough) for me is good enough...
It’s good enough for me... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

5. Money Can't Buy Happine$$ (Bomberman II)

Ah! What a beautiful, sunshiny day... I could just lay out on this chaise lounge all day long. Or, perhaps I could stand up and just...

Splash in the pool. It’s the brash young fool from the best local private High School; best of my school.
Head of all classes, get head from all lasses. All slick like molasses. I’ll crush ya like glasses
If you step to me or my dad who’s head of construction at the best local design firm; head of instruction at the local University.
Mom’s a corporate lawyer. Send ya ass quicker the creek than Tom Sawyer.
Captain of lacrosse team; cross-country, cross-stream. One thing never get lost in the crossbeam:
Frosting like Crosby, party like Belushi. Dining on a dish of Beluga sushi.
Seen on every scene with the newest booties. Havin a hard time dealing with these foody newbies.
Noblesse oblige -- I don’t eschew my duties. But they lose their ish like they pooped their booties, you see,
When I roll up on in the dope ride. Roll my windows up on the smoke side. Roll that ish like it was the low ride. Take it easy -- slow ride.
When you see my plane on the tarmac, then you know my yacht can’t be far, mack. Bed my waitress, bartend and bar back. Life is just so -- kar-mac...

Ah... where was I? Waking up tower control with the buzz-by. Fly with the fuzz eye. Why always must I say, "You mustn’t hate me simply because I’m
Beautiful... and my life is all glamour"? Execute the code of The Life Programmer. Some of us is managers, some of us is janitors.
Some of us is destined for greatness like Ben Banneker. And still others of us just destined to sit around our gorgeous ass mansions all day and do shit
But spend our Mommy / Daddy’s money on some shit we don’t need, then accidentally break the shit while we was smoking some weed.
Then spend some more of Daddy’s money get the shit replaced and paying off the gardener who got some shit in his face.
"Dude, I’m effing sorry to’ve been up in your mix." Good thing I never found a problem couple grand couldn’t fix.
When I flash my cash like a ball sack, all the people freak out and fall back. Not exactlly sure what you call that, but I love being -- all that.
When I take a moment to reckon that my folks make more in a second than our GDP mid-Depression, shopping malls just -- beckon.

Oh! ... back from the chorus. Change comes slower to me than the Lorus. Slower than from my hand to the homeless. Cause in such matters I’m like my man Morris:
Finicky -- which is not to say picky. But just like a penis, see, the issue is sticky.
I guess the best question is "Where would you start when you’re dealing with a sum that’s as great as its parts?"
But the greatest of parts is still on the loose, and I’m tired of being heartless cause I serve no use.
I’d rather grow to be a grown-up that could serve the youth. I know my heart’d end up stronger than the moonshine proof.
Money can’t buy happiness, I must admit. But, see, without the happiness your money can’t buy shit but shit!
Yo, take it from a man with a million: means without morals makes a man a villain, word!

6. Aluminum Hybrid Cars (Bubble Bobble)

Well, thank you all for coming out, it’s nice to see so much interest
in our research which we recently finished this past July.
And tho we can’t give out the details till we’ve published in the press,
I can sum it up this way for you: we’re all gonna die!

Although we know
We told you that
We would not wreck
Your habitat.
Well, when we all live happily on Mars, we’ll drive aluminum hybrid cars!

Although we know
That we did wrong
You must admit
That life goes on.
And when we all live happily on Mars, we’ll drive aluminum hybrid cars!

Now as to allegations that we fucked you -- Whoops! Gotta go now!

And so, in closing, let me state that, as a representative
Of the greatest corporation in the world, I’m very proud
To get to work with some outstanding individuals who give
Freely of their time and energy to grow a mushroom cloud.

Although we know
You’ve found a mate
Well we’re afraid
It’s much too late.
But when we all live happily on Mars, we’ll drive aluminum hybrid cars!

Although we know
That we’re at fault
You’ll have to prove
It in a court.
Til then we’ll all live happily on Mars, and drive our patented aluminum hybrid cars! Registered trademark.

7. Jennifer (Ducktales, Moon Stage)

Girl: This is a story about a boy who found true love in late elementary / early junior high school.

Lead: Ladies and gentlemen... boys and girls... I’m here to tell you that true love does exist. It’s out there, waiting for you, like it was for me... This is a true story.

I can’t believe what happened yesterday. I saw Jennifer, and she looked my way.
She looked at me and she didn’t laugh, and as a matter of fact she came back with me to my house that day.
And then my mom made us lunch: chili dogs and a Coke. Jennifer said, "Thanks."
She came up with me to my room and we played a game. Jennifer!

Boys Chorus: Jennifer!

I can’t believe what happened yesterday. I saw Jennifer and she made my day.
She looked at me with her happy smile and she wasn’t even mocking me like the way that she used to do.
She even sat next to me at lunch -- "Oh my God! Oh my God!" I was totally freaking out!
Now my friends all think I’m cool. "Do you think I should ditch them, Jennifer?!"

Boys Chorus: Jennifer!

I can’t believe what happened yesterday. I saw Jennifer and she walked away.
She looked at me and she turned around, and I haven’t seen her all day since then I don’t know where she is.
But if I see her, I’ll tell her you asked about her; I can pass on a note, if you want.
Or I’ll take your number down... No?! Ok, Jennifer...

Boys Chorus: Jennifer!

8. Not Afraid of Getting Old (Mega Man II, Bubble Man Stage)

I’m not afraid of getting old... (Yes you are! Yes you are!/No I’m not! No I’m not!)
I’m not afraid of getting old... (Yes you are! Yes you are!/No I’m not! No I’m not!)

(Oh yes you are, and don’t you say it, don’t say you’re not!)

I’m not afraid of getting older every day. I find the more I put on age I have more wisdom things to say, I tell you...

I know I’ll not be here for so very long at all, so I take every day to be a blessing undeserved.

And tho I knew I’d always hate to leave you... I know it’s craziness for us to grieve you now!

I’m not afraid of getting older day by day. I find the longer that I stay I have more gifts to give away, I show you...

I know I’ll not be here for so very long at all, so I take every day to be a blessing undeserved.

And tho I knew I’d always hate to leave you... I know it’s craziness for us to grieve you now!

I’m not afraid to know I have to die one day. You know I make my life okay, despite the things we have to face, I tell you...

I know I’ll not be here for so very long at all, so I take every day to be a blessing undeserved.

And tho I knew I’d always hate to leave you... I know it’s craziness for us to grieve you now!

9. Revenge (The Legend of Zelda, Fortress)

Park the car, pull the brake, pop the latch, walk around,
Lift the gate, grab the bag, hoist it up, drop it down,
Drag it on the muddy ground, leave a bloody stain --
Wait a minute -- kick the bag, listen to the moans of pain.
Pull it down the hill into the belly of the valley.
No one knows about this place in all the state of Cali.
Rustic little wooded spot where no one hears a body rot;
Just the place to plot revenge!
And I’ll say I got it in the end...
Very bad idea to destroy a man’s entire life!
Kill his kids, kill his wife, frame him with the bloody knife.
Buy the judge, buy the jury. Didn’t think you’d have to worry!
The look on your face when you opened the door...
Within an inch of your life, left you hoping for more.
But no such luck -- you fuck -- you’re gonna pay in the worst way.
Rest of your days on Earth, these last few...
At first I cursed, but now I only laugh at you.
Your daughter was the first to go.
I made your wife watch while I tortured her in slo-mo.
Couldn’t resist a ride before she died.
Zelda always used to tell me I had a cruel side.
Decorated the interior of your coffin with the pictures and a flashlight with a flicker...

10. Shout Outro! (Bionic Commando, P.O.W. Camp)

(These lyrics were freestyled -- i.e. invented on the spot extemporaneously.)

I ain't had hectic since Satan had a paintgun. Looking for the same fun. Blame it on the same son.
Lain with the same mum, under the same Sun. Same day, same time... same Bat-channel.
I hope you're up to bat. If not, step off the panel, the committee, the association, Organization... like Konfusion.
Looking for some Flavor in your head like Flav, but, hey, it's been days and I ain't seen shit yet... and I'm about the give the search up.
I hope you don't mind -- like Lurch -- I might perch up, right up on ya. Stand over ya didn't even notice until the Sun was blocked out. Then you got knocked out!
It wasn't fun or funny like Billy Crystal. So, listen, 'cause I'm bouts to be Lite, like Crystal and fly up to higher flights... of stairs -- like stories on buildings.
It scares kids and adults gathered around: "Don't jump!" But no hope, so I must -- I must go! I hope you don't mind, you didn't know, don't know, won't know me,
Didn't knew me, couldn'ta blew me. Couldn'ta seen me on tv or the radio but said, "Way to go." Yo, bro, no!

More About This Album:

I first heard of The Advantage, an amazing band from Sacramento, CA that plays instrumental versions of Nintendo theme songs through a piece in the Technology section of the NY Times sometime around 2004. I quickly fell in love with their music and began attending shows by them, introducing myself. I asked at one of these shows if they wouldn't mind if I wrote and recorded some singing / rapping to their stuff and they said, "Sure." I think they were still a bit surprised to see me at another show six months later when I offered to spontaneously perform what I had written. They were into it, so I made this record and they invited me to come on tour with them for a bit.

This project hasn't been entirely free of controversy, however. A lot of the gaming nerds who love their music hate what I do to it (even tho they can still buy it and listen to it free of me.) When I briefly joined The Advantage on tour during the Summer of 2006, I was viciously heckled at our first show in Boston (it was largely my fault, as I had made the decision to give no explanation on anybody's part to a capacity crowd about what we were doing.) There are also lots of entertainingly negative comments on our MySpace page and the iTunes page for this album.

The dope thing about The Advantage's music, from my perspective as a writer, is how some of the songs are perfect for singing, and some for rapping. It seemed tailor-made to me or an artist just like me. I recorded this album in Aitlincay Osenray's (she doesn't want to be Googlable) bedroom in Brooklyn and Paul Gold mastered it at his former room at Brooklynphono.

Aitlincay Osenray featured on Sebastian & Lulu (a song about her sugar-gliders;) Tim Perry featured on Aluminum Hybrid Cars; Charlie Gilbert, Greg Mackenzie, Timmy Dowling, Tim Perry featured on Jennifer.